On Thursday, elf-chan and I had a discussion on different things, and I commented on something. Unfortunately, I picked the worst possible phrasing. She immediately said we'd talk later, and fell silent.
I apologize profusely, but have to run off to Southern Ohio before she responds. I spend the weekend feeling horridly guilty. What I said was rude and damaging of the highest degree. And this after everything she did last week to help me through some familial issues.
Get home on Sunday, and call her. No answer, so I leave a message, apologizing again. Stop at a friend's house and ask for advice. He tells me that he'd be surprised if she ever talked to me again. I agree.
I've done this so many times to her... Unthinking comments... She'd probably be better off.
I get home on Sunday and she tells me to stop apologizing for stating the truth. And doesn't feel I'm in the wrong at all. It's obvious that I've hurt what little ego she has, but she's acting like it's no big deal.
And so at this point, I have two problems. The first is how do I prevent this from happening again? How do I keep the words from coming out of my mouth (or hands, as the case may be) that will hurt her like this?
And secondly, with her being so forgiving, and so caring, how do I force myself to continue moving forward? We've been down that road twice, and realized it isn't going to work as a distance relationship, but after the past couple of weeks I feel like I should do something about the distance. Like I should be there to hug her and give her a backrub after a long day at work, and hold her at night while she sleeps. Like this no-man's land between friendship and a relationship is where we're supposed to be.
I'm going to wrap up the pontificating, as I only had 5 hours of sleep last night, and am apparently trying to catch more at work, based on how much time I'm spending looking at the inside of my eyelids.