Hiro (hiromasaki) wrote,

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Angst Warning! Angst Warning!

Well, for no particular reason, my thoughts got rather angsty in the last 20 minutes or so. I need to vent, but I'm gonna hide it since I know not everyone cares to read more angst. There's already quite enough on LJ, thankyouverymuch.

For whatever reason, lonliness, that age meme, whatever, my thoughts turned to the different girls who I've dated. Top on the list for sake of this post was M.

M was a wonderful, glorious three weeks of movies, dinners, cuddling, and just generally having fun. Then she went to Canada. I knew in advance she was moving, but we figured that a bit of fun before she left would be good for both of us. She apparently had as bad of luck finding decent guys as I have just plain finding girls. Surprising, since she was a complete knockout. (Not quite as surprising as a knockout like her having any interest in me... But I digress.) She got sent back to the States packing, and came back with her heart broken by a guy up there. I get no calls or anything from her for a few months, go to lunch once where she complains about the heartbreak, and then months later again I find out she's dating some big-shot civil engineer.

Next is S. I don't think I've mentioned S before... Met her one night at a dance club, actually went dancing with her, sat with her in her car while she sobered up a bit, and ended up talking until 5 in the morning. Saw her once more when I was really tired and then got her voice mail every time I called afterwards. She was pretty, funny, very witty, and generally made an amazing first impression. She's also the only person who's rivaled the elf in the good kisser department.

Which brings us to the elf. I could go on for hours, and probably people I've only met once or twice would know most anything I could say. She's wonderful, far more beautiful than she gives herself credit for, and I love her dearly. Even with her problems and the fact that we're not as compatible physically as we were 6 years ago, I could STILL see myself living with her for the rest of my life. Not quite platonically, but not quite an official item, in that strange limbo that we're in now. She deserves better than that, though. I know that eventually she too will find someone amazing to sweep her off of her feet.

These three relationships (If you could even consider S a relationship, as it was just two dates.) are the ones that comes to mind easiest for me... And right now, despite all the good times we had, I sit and wonder if I'll find anyone else like them. TJK was too chipmunk-hyper and her apparent age still worries me. Jz is way too into the BDSM scene for my own tastes, and seems like she's blowing me off constantly anyway. AMW is happily dating a great guy who's become a good friend, and we have realized that we never should've dated, though we're probably better friends because of it. And don't even get me started on JI or TLC, as both of them are ancient history, the last I saw of JI was in 1992, and after what happened with TLC, I would be glad if 1998 was the last I ever saw of her. There's one more who still doesn't even register with me as it had neither good points nor bad points. The entire time was just... blah. and that's my entire dating history.

I kinda want to call up S and ask her out, but it's been 7 months or so since we last talked, and she was the one who quit returning my calls. At this point, I think Alone is about the only state I'm going to be in for a long time.
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