In the meantime, I'm really not sure where things are going with the elf and I. Her second-to-last LJ post was more than a bit worrisome, and, in usual elf fashion, she's somewhat unwilling to bring up the topic of conversation. At this point, I think the biggest problem is actually our conflicting schedules. She works 1-10 my time, I work 8-4. (Darn time zones.) I have friends outside of the home, and so I actually am only home and awake about 1-2 hours a day that she's available for actual conversation. Of that, she spends 1+ hours on FFXI. I'm glad she finds happiness in it as a distraction, but it's cut into what little time we had to talk and enjoy each other's company. If she lived here, I'd just curl up next to her and watch her play. Unfortunately, I have yet to perfect the 3,000 mile snuggle.
I dunno. Maybe it's just not meant to be? Twice we've dated, and twice something dumb and petty has pulled us apart. This time we've survived it, but barely. And I'm not sure what little string that's left is enough for her to hold on to. I'm not 100% sure it's enough for me, either. If I had the guts... if I had 1/2 the courage I pretend to, I would move out there... because even if we don't work as a couple, we need each other as friends. The fact that I didn't show up at her door 5 years ago on my knees trying to work something out (or on her birthday this year, when I had a seat on a flight and only had to click "buy") speaks for how little courage I actually have. I'm too paranoid about the familial and financial concequences that I can't follow my heart. It's a very depressing, almost claustrophobic feeling.