Hiro (hiromasaki) wrote,

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I'm depressed. I'm horribly depressed. And I don't know why.

I know I am. I'm having a hard time finding things to do. I'm disinterested with video games, playing bass, doing anything.

A lot of it is because I miss the elf. but with some of the arguments we've had lately, she doesn't want me visiting for fear we'll argue the whole time. Or something. I don't know. She's a little too good at the whole cryptic female thing.

I literally spend my evenings staring at the computer, looking at a webpage I've read hundreds of times, or staring at yahoo mail, waiting for the next spam to come in so I can nuke it immediately. I could spend the time playing FFXI, but it's caused so many arguments with the elf, i fear that playing it will cause more. plus i never can party up with anyone i know. they're all hundreds of levels ahead of me. (okay, so 40-24 isn't hundreds, but it's still more than i can ever catch up...) i can join random parties, sure, but it's hard to do with the class i picked. most people don't trust a combat red mage because it goes against the grain. i can do it, and do it well, but proving that is hard. i've spent an hour looking for a party and never got any asks. and once you get past level 15 or so, figting things solo is no longer a viable option. i'd switch to star wars where it is, but that entire world doesn't interest me even when i'm not depressed.

the only thing i really enjoy right now is work... i go in, relax for a minute, change the backup tape, run tests on product, work on polishing up some excel sheets, do filing and buy office supplies. it's kinda fun.

one of the big things is that i have to get out of gramma & grampa's house. i can't have friends over, i can't go do things after 8 or so without hearing about it.... hell, elf won't even visit me again until i'm out of here. not that she would anyway right now.

i guess it all comes down to the fact that i feel very unwanted and out of place. the latter has always been so. the former has not. if i did what i really feel like doing, i would have been in bed an hour ago, and would sleep through until work tomorrow. repeat ad nauseum.
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